Honestly, it seems like it’s not even possible for the Christmas season to be upon us. Thanksgiving didn’t shake out the way that I had hoped. Our friends from Brooklyn came to visit. After a hike in Forest Park, I came down with a weird bug and was laid out in my bed for 24 hours. Thankfully Natasha made a feast, and Tyler made sure the day went on without a hitch. I night capped with my first tablespoon of mashed potatoes in bed, and by the next day, I felt a bit better. I could stomach a smoothie and even went to a winery while Tyler went to Mt. Hood with the boys to sled and cut down our first Oregon Christmas tree.
That night I dropped our friends at the airport and felt deeply disappointed. Every part of me wanted to jump on the redeye with them back to New York City. Maybe it was the holiday that stirred up the feeling, not sure.
I miss the buzz of the city; I miss feeling known, the chocolate croissants, and, believe it or not, the smell, which I would describe as a mixture of halaal and trash:) I think after a few months, I feel exhausted. This pregnancy has been a nightmare. I have not been able to turn my neck for almost three months, and the new weight of being excited about a new baby but having no clue what those early days will look like have sent me into a bit of an emotional tailspin. I’d prefer to retreat rather than trudge forward. I want to go home or back to my old home. I don’t want to learn. I don’t want to grow.
When discerning if Portland should be on the table, I went through Gemma’s discernment document. I wrote down: When I am 80, I want to be rich in wisdom, prophetically discerning, have lived a part of my life in nature on the West Coast, discipled by older women, and most of all, I want to be in a position where I NEED God.
Portland is where God has called our family for this time; no doubt about it. (I could write a novel about how WONDERFUL people have been to us)!!!
My intention is not to complain or even lament. God is answering my prayers. This season hasn’t been particularly FUN, but it does feel like the pains of growing.
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